Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
