I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
