Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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