made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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