I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
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