yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
