she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
