that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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