I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize