Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
