Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Randomize
