Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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