I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
