i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
