If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
