***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
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