mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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