don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
