Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Randomize