It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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