I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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