By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
