Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
