Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
