Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
