you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
