If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
