Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
