either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
