im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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