You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
