Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Can i not drive my cunt home
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
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