you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
