someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
