She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
