I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I just want nice things and good sex
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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