OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
