Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize