i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
