Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
