i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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