The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Randomize
