Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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