im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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