I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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