drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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