She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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