FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
