Me too!
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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