I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
We left an ass print on the piano.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
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