just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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