The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
