I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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