just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
