i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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