I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
40s are totally the cure
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
