Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
