I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
