I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
should my penis look like a turkey
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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