i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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