Im at strip club and am horny
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
